Ostrich Investment Advisors
"The worse the news,
the deeper we bury our heads"

At Ostrich, we believe that a wise investor is an un-informed investor. Why let the truth or facts ruin a perfectly good investment idea. Our largest stock positions include a warehouse full of beta video tapes and 8-track tapes. We have also invested in an asbestos factory near 3-mile Island.

Momentum Mutual Fund
"We don't buy a stock until it goes all the way up"

Our mutual fund concentrates on momentum as the only criteria for stock picking. Why bother looking for diamonds in the rough and having to wait all those tedious months for it to start to move up. We don't buy a stock until it hits its' all-time high.

Know-It-All No-Load
"We let investors shoot themselves in the foot for less."

At No-It-All, our investors are not smart enough to realize they might need some investment advice. So we don't give any! What we give is low, low commissions, but don't ask us for advice. We believe it is our investor's right to invest at the lowest possible commissions, in blissful ignorance, thinking they know more than the investment pros on Wall Street.

Lemming Money Managers
"We follow the crowd!"

Research and decisions are too much hard work, so at Lemming, we follow the crowd. If everybody is buying, we buy; if everybody is selling, we sell. We don't want to be first at anything!

Green Suit Brokers
"Give the people what they want!"

At Green Suit, we believe that however inappropriate the investment, if you want it, we'll sell it to you. You want to buy stocks at the market peak? Call us, we'll sell'em to you without all that tiresome caution and risk talk. You want to invest in commodities, like Hillary? Call us, we have no minimum requirements. We will even tell you we have inside information on what ever you want.

Registered Rookies
"This time is different,
cause we weren't around to remember last time!"

We don't hire old-timers, with all of their bothersome prudence, judgement, and experience. All of our brokers are less than 2 years in the business, and were in grammar school when the market crashed in 1987!

Rear-View Mirror Management
"Past performance is all that matters."

At Rear-View Mirror Management, we only invest in mutual funds that were on the top of the "Best Mutual Funds" list in last month's issue of Mutual Fund Madness Magazine. Every month we get rid of all those pesky underperforming mutual funds, and buy last month's best performing funds.